The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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