Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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