so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
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Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
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Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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