I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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