I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
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