you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
