My first STD was from a foam party
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
