The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
