im drinking this country out of the recession.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
