Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend