The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
