Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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