You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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