Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
