my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
