Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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