i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If I die, sorry about rent.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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