So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
