He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
