I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
