i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
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Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
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4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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