There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
