Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
