you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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