Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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