Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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