I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
