We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
