new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
