Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
