just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm gonna have a badass scar
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
