Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
