I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
