Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
