It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
