if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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