I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
