I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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