god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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