A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
