If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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