My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
