I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Mom said you looked used
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
