i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can't turn off my feet"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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