RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
