then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
