i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
