You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
