Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
