we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
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Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
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I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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