you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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