1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
