Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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