Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
