My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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