I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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